


My Son

by Nihonkikuasa211



Category: Code Black (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Gen, Post 1x10, Psychological Trauma, Residency, Self-Esteem Issues, Tag to 1x12
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-18
Updated: 2016-01-18
Packaged: 2018-05-14 19:28:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5755423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nihonkikuasa211/pseuds/Nihonkikuasa211
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Jesse's not all you have. You have me. You have all of us." As Leanne thinks of Neal's words, she thinks of when she had first met her colleague and realizes the extent of her relationship with him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Son

**Author's Note:**

> I had this on my mind since I watched "Cardiac Support." I finally wrote it, and I hope you enjoy it.

                                                                       _My Son_

                Leanne watched as Neal walked away. His words to her echoed in her mind. _“You think Jesse’s all you have, but you’re wrong. You have me. You have all of us.”_ Six and a half years ago, she would not have imagined that he would say those words to her. The first year resident he had been was gone, replaced by a man that she was so proud of. _You’ve changed so much,_ the older doctor thought as she thought further on his words. She could vividly remember the day when Neal came to Angels.

               It was 2009, and a hot day. Leanne had wanted nothing more than to see her two children and share a kiss with her husband. Unfortunately, Jesse had informed her that today was the day that she was supposed to welcome the new residents. Leanne had groaned, and Jesse had given her a look, before telling her that there was something special this time about the children. Leanne had realized exactly what her old friend had meant as she introduced herself to the residents. _Four this year,_ she thought. Although now she had forgotten their names, Leanne would always remember of how the first year residents had looked on their first day at Angels. Two young women were observing her curiously, no doubt from Jesse’s comment on her nickname – expecting a male doctor, of course. There was a young man as well, his scrubs meticulously ironed and yet had his ID backwards. Leanne’s focus, however, dimmed when she saw another student, slightly away from the others.

                The first thing the female director of residency noticed was of how nervous he looked. Unlike the others, the student appeared to uneased, his dark brown eyes glancing backward and forward. He had darker skin and even darker hair. The ID was correctly faced forward, and Leanne read the name carefully.

                _Dr. Neal Hudson._

Immediately, the brown-haired doctor thought back to the hundreds of applications she had reviewed. _So this is the one,_ she thought with interest. _He suddenly decided to change his practice from surgery to emergency medicine. From England._

                Neal had hardly any confidence during the first few months at Angels. Even Angus, who had his own set of self-confidence issues, was nothing compared to Neal. _He craves acknowledgement,_ the older doctor thought one night as she mindlessly watched a movie with her husband. She remembered of how the first year resident had smiled – his first true smile – when she told him that he did a good job today. In the first few months, Leanne would have expected to hear from his parents, or for him to talk about his personal life. That was how it was for the majority of the residents. But she heard nothing from the dark-haired resident who she suspected was a bit afraid of her and also respected her. _“He’s running from something,”_ her husband had stated as Leanne suddenly found herself talking about Dr. Neal Hudson. _But from what?_ Leanne had thought to herself. She had received no answers that night.

              Leanne noted that the young English doctor had good hands – his hands were steady even in the most dire cases that came into the ER and he truly seemed to come alive when he was assisting Leanne or any of her colleagues with surgery. She didn’t ask him why he left surgery of the island of his country, however. Leanne was certain that the resident had his reasons. It was only when he was in the company of her children that she could see the true Neal – the Neal who smiled widely at her two children, and talked to them with gentleness, and he even laughed when her son mentioned that he talked funny.

             The resident, after a particularly harrowing twenty-four shift, that he didn’t feel as if he belonged here. _“The others, they’re able to do such much. And...I don’t have the confidence to even try to comfort the patients who are in so much pain. Even though I try, if feels like I can’t do anything.”_ It was then that Neal had explained about his father, the surgeon who wanted his son to follow in his footsteps. _“I can’t,”_ the resident had stated as vivid pain came to his eyes. _“I wanted something else…to truly feel as a doctor I wanted to be.”_

            Leanne remembered of how she had touched his shoulder then, the resident almost jumping out of his skin as he stared at his mentor. He looked so much like a boy then – with wide eyes and tears slowly coming down his cheeks with his anxiety coming off in waves. _“The only thing worse than unconfidence is overconfidence, Neal.”_ Leanne had pulled away, allowing the English doctor to see the reassuring smile on her face. _“You work hard, but you are weakened by your father’s shadow. He isn’t here, anymore, Neal. You don’t_ need _his confidence or praises.”_ As she walked away, she turned back to find the resident watching her even as tears continued to leak from his eyes. _“You only need to be the doctor you want to be, Dr. Hudson, and I_ know _you will be the doctor that your future patients will want and not need.”_

           Steadily, Leanne watched as Neal gained confidence. She watched with pride as the resident who formerly followed the three residents around like a puppy started treating patients on his own, and started contacting Leanne only on severe issues. _“He’s good,”_ Rollie had stated one time as they watched the resident put in a chest tube inside a patient while comforting her. The senior ER doctor had looked at Leanne in interest before looking back at the young doctor who was currently explaining to the patient what would happen next. _“Doing it solo and only a first year resident. Great catch, Leanne. I almost don’t recognize him.”_

           Neal still didn’t fully connect to the residents. Yes, he knew their names and started to have small conversations with them after their shifts, but Leanne noted that the resident was often in the company of the other attendings and nurses in the ER, particularly Jesse. Leanne had to smile. It was before the accident that destroyed her life that the other residents were looking at different prospects. One was hoping to get a job in a bigger hospital, and the others were having the same vague dreams. Leanne had approached Neal one day, finding him glancing at the applications to various hospitals with a serious expression when she asked him what he planned to do. _“I think I will stay here,”_ he had stated, surprising Leanne with the quickness of his statement. Evidently he had been thinking about this for some time. _“If you will have me, of course.”_

         Leanne had suddenly laughed and smiled as the third year resident shyly smiled back. _“I will have you, Dr. Hudson. You are irreplaceable as a physician. I mean it.”_ Somehow she felt stinging in her eyes as she stared at the younger doctor. _“I’m very proud of you,”_ she stated, turning away before she could see the expression on his face. If she did, Leanne wasn’t certain if she would be able to hide her tears.

         Everything had changed from the accident. Leanne had faint memories of Neal whispering that he was sorry when he thought she was asleep, and of a young man – not family – standing in the crowd during the funeral. She wouldn’t let anyone come from Angels to the funeral. And yet this one young man had defied her and stood as Leanne found herself losing in her own tears. Jesse had tried to help her hold on. Her old friend had tried his best, making certain that she wasn’t alone. For the first few months, Leanne stayed at Jesse’s house, the old Hispanic paintings and family photos turned away, burning in her mind until she had enough. Working until she collapsed wasn’t working, and Leanne found alcohol as her friend then.

        Soon nothing else mattered – her work was dead to her, her family gone, her friends nonexistent as her world revolved around the bottle and started to spin. Neal had been the one who found her. He had managed to break down her door after calling her name until his voice was hoarse, finding her collapsed in her son’s room, sobbing drunkenly as the shattered glass around the room dug into her fingers. She remembered later as Neal pushed away the glass, holding her hand as she tried to fight him until her head rested against his chest. She had no idea how long she cried. She had no idea when she began to scream and rock against him as the agony became too much to bear. Leanne vaguely remembered feeling Neal’s arms around her as she helped him into her room, placing her gently on her bed. They didn’t speak. He came back with a tall glass of water and told her to drink and take two red pills – ibuprofen – with no room for argument. Numb, Leanne had taken the pill and finished the water. As she felt herself falling into blackness, she thought she heard a voice – humming slightly as words she didn’t understand echoed in her mind.

      When she came back, after a year, with many AA meetings and grief counseling, Leanne didn’t mention of what Neal had did for her. She had been surprised when she found herself almost about to cry when she found him in the ER, working, as if she had never left. But, there was a difference. He was an attending, a doctor of equal standing to her and confident in his actions. They didn’t mention that night again. Not even when after that night, Leanne had realized that all the alcohol – all the hidden places she had hidden her former comfort – was gone. Even the bottles had disappeared. The bandages on her hands were new, most likely bandaged when she had been asleep. They were put on with care.

      The attending she had been before and the attending she was now were different. She understood that when she could see her former student shocked, and then shaking his head at her reckless choices in the ER. _You mean to me more than you know,_ Leanne had thought as she watched Neal go into the quarantine on the day he had met his parents in four long years. _So much more than you know._

       Now as she thought about her former student, the older doctor remembered of what he had said about not only having Jesse. _That’s not true,_ she thought as the memories of Neal’s residency echoed in her mind again. _You stayed by my side even at my worst. You are my friend. More than that, actually._

 _You’re…_ Leanne swallowed and squeezed her eyes shut. _You are the closest thing I have to a son._

       A small smile played across her face as she thought of the young boy who had once been so uncertain of himself, and of the tears he had shed. Of the man, the incredible doctor that he was now.

      She was still so very proud of him.

_Yes…you are my son.  
_


End file.
